


Why Crowley is banned from the London Zoo

by Raven_Song



Series: Creatures Great and Small [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: And one lizard, Aziraphale is done with Crowley's nonsense, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley watched Harry Potter, Ice cream cuteness, London, M/M, Protective Crowley, Sassy Snakes, before the events of the show, crowley is a drama queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 20:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20197531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Song/pseuds/Raven_Song
Summary: Crowley drags Aziraphale to the zoo but it's not to look at the animals. Crowley's been watching the Harry Potter films and they gave him an idea for some demonic mischief...Part 2 of the Creatures Great and Small series





	Why Crowley is banned from the London Zoo

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been so much fun to write! If you want more of this series please let me know. As always, kudos and comments are very appreciated!

Crowley pressed his hand to the glass enclosure. There, in the back of the exhibit, was the reason he had dragged Aziraphale to the blasted zoo in the first place. Coiled up under a broad leaf in the back of the habitat was a very handsome snake. It was nearly ten and a half feet long and sported a stunning mosaic pattern on its dark brown body. According to the plaque, this was the largest snake in the entire zoo. The demon leaned closer until his breath fogged up the glass. The dark glasses slid down his nose, but he didn’t notice. He was too focused on the incredible creature on the other side of the glass.

To the passersby it looked like Crowley was beaming with pride. In fact, pride was precisely what Crowley felt. He had a fondness for the creatures; being the first serpent and all, they were rather like his brethren. Snakes made much better family than demons, anyway. 

Crowley was overdue for causing a little chaos. It was his demonic duty after all. It didn’t seem to matter if a particular snake-eyed demon only did the bare minimum of stirring up trouble topside. The humans were able to think up horrible atrocities all on their own. All Crowley did was let Hell believe it was his doing. They loved him Down There. Besides, nothing said trouble like a loose python in a crowded zoo. 

He hadn’t come up with the idea on his own, and if it worked to cause chaos in Harry Potter, then surely it would work in reality. At a thought, the glass would vanish, and the snakes within would be free to terrorize the zoo’s guests. It was, as far as he was concerned, a perfect plan. Well, nearly perfect. There was only one issue. Crowley looked over his shoulder.

Aziraphale was a way off. He had gone to purchase ice cream for them both. Aziraphale would get strawberry of course, but he preferred a ninety-nine. The angel’s back was turned to Crowley, and thus, completely ignorant of any sort of demonic mischief. Perfect. With a smirk, Crowley turned back to the enclosure as the glass shimmered and vanished.

_Hey,You’re free._ The snake inside raised its sleepy head. Completely unfazed by some random person being able to communicate with it, the snake stared at the demon. Crowley was offended. The python had the audacity to look bored. How rude of it. Didn’t it know who was talking to it? 

_I wasss napping, mate,_ it complained and shuffled out of its coil. Crowley rolled his eyes. Typical. He was getting lip from a reptile.

_Yess, good for you. Look, I need you to escape. You could eat a pigeon. Freshly caught is better than the dead rats they feed you, yeah? There’s the sun, too! Much better than that heat lamp._ Crowley was running out of ideas to coerce the snake into helping him out. The snake, whose label said it was _python molurus bivittatus,_ flicked its tongue at him. Of course the snake he tried to set free would be difficult. Casting a glance back at Aziraphale, Crowley leaned toward it. 

_You’re free to roam the zoo and do whatever you want. Look, I’m the demon Crowley. The first ssserpent. Come on. It’ll be ssso much fun!_ The snake considered the proposition. Its tail twitched lazily. Crowley wanted to scream. The queue at the ice cream cart was dwindling quickly. If he was going to pull this off, it had to be soon. 

_It ssseems we had a deal._ Crowley’s grin was wicked as the powerful creature slithered out of the open exhibit and onto the floor. The demon winked, and a small number of other exhibits were without their glass. 

Someone screamed, and the reptile house was thrown into pandemonium. The silver eyes of a puff adder flashed with delight as it hissed and slithered towards the gathering of American tourists. Some of them held up their phones as they backed away from the advancing snake. They hovered in indecision, torn between taking a video and running for their lives. All but one chose the latter.

A king cobra examined the humans with curiosity. It was so used to being stared at. Now, it was the snake’s turn to stare. It wasn’t even threatened by the thundering of feet as the crowd scattered before it. The cobra inched forwards slowly, looking more confused than anything. Crowley hissed at it, _Jusssst don’t bite them._ The snake gave him a look that said _well, duh_ and slithered away at its steady pace just enjoying the outing.

For a laugh he also freed the Caiman lizard who had been paddling around in its water. The reptile house had few proper snakes, but adding a lizard to the mix wouldn’t hurt. Once people were scared about the snakes, they would run away from any animal. 

Terrified, the patrons sprinted for the exits. Some even tried to climb on the benches and still secure exhibits to get away from the snakes. 

_Essscape! Be free, my brothersss,_ Crowley cheered from atop a bench. With his long red hair tied half-up and the dark sunglasses and skin-tight trousers it looked like a rock star had staged the serpentine coup. He howled with laughter as the humans scattered, but when he caught sight of Aziraphale, he stopped dead. His angel looked extremely disappointed. 

Crowley waited until the flood of snakes had passed before leaping from his perch and walked up to Aziraphale and taking the proffered ice cream cone. The angel licked at his crimson treat with an aura of profound exasperation.

Around them, the zookeepers were frantically running with nets and trying to scoop up the escapees. The guests had scattered. Most of them were being shepherded to safety by the bewildered staff. They passed several staff members sitting on benches and sobbing and even more screaming desperately into walkies begging for backup. Only the two of them kept casually strolling through the pandemonium.

“Honestly, Crowley,” Aziraphale chided. “I know you’re a demon, but this is far beyond your usual tricks.” Crowley licked his ice cream and shrugged.

“I’m the serpent, they’re snakes. I couldn’t just let them stay imprisoned, now could I? The fact that releasing them would cause chaos is just a bonus.”

“But they could hurt people! And they could get hurt. You know how humans are when they’re afraid.” Crowley hadn’t thought about the snakes getting hurt. He looked back to where the zookeepers had scooped up the confused cobra and the lazy lizard. The reptiles didn’t look like they cared at all. He turned back to Aziraphale.

“It’s not like I told them to go attack the humans! I’m just giving them a chance to stretch and have a look around. They don’t get to explore that much. The goal was to scare people, not kill them. Trust me, angel. I have it totally under control.” Aziraphale tutted and shot the demon a disapproving look.

“Where did you even get an idea like this? Vanishing glass will certainly catch the humans’ attention. What happened to glueing pennies onto the sidewalk and shutting down mobile phone networks? I thought your usual method is to do a little inconvenience and let the humans damn themselves.”

“Well, yeah. The humans will panic and lash out at each other. There are already humans out there with bruised ribs and minor concussions from being shoved into a door.” Crowley was not going to admit to getting inspired by a children’s film, no matter how brilliant he found it.

“Is this why you asked to meet here? So you could lose snakes on an unsuspecting crowd?” Crowley’s guilty look was answer enough. Aziraphale threw up his hands. “I don’t believe you. And here I thought you merely wanted the delight of my company.”

“I do, angel. I just also wanted to free the snakes.”

“You’re not responsible for them, you know. Just because you were the first-”

“Is exactly why I’m responsible for them,” Crowley finished. “I’m the reason they have a horrible reputation. I owe it to them.” Aziraphale shook his head.

“You have to be the most well-meaning demon in Hell,” he muttered under his breath. He dropped the wooden ice cream stick into the nearest bin. Crowley glared at him but said nothing. He wasn’t going to let Aziraphale’s comment ruin the joy of it for him. The first snake he had released slithered towards them, clearly fatter than before.

_Thisss was fun!_ It hissed gleefully. _Thankss for the help._

“Anytime.” The creature lifted its head to consider Aziraphale. The angel shifted awkwardly under the snake’s scrutiny. Aziraphale folded his arms, unfolded them, and held them at his sides before giving up and clasping his hands in front of him. He looked uncertainly from the snake to Crowley. 

_Thisss one issn’t like you,_ the snake observed. _He’sss almost ethereal._

“Aziraphale. His name is Aziraphale.” Aziraphale waved at the serpent. 

“Hello, dear boy. You’re a Burmese python, aren’t you? I recognize the rectangular pattern on your scales. Oh, you are marvelous! One of the largest species of snake with a lifespan of roughly twenty years if I’m not mistaken.” Crowley stared, surprised and impressed by his angel’s knowledge of herpetology. Unbeknownst to him, Aziraphale had purchased a book on herpetology to better understand Crowley and his legion of serpents. The snake flicked its tongue approvingly. 

_He’ssss nice. Handsome, intelligent and kind. He’ss lucky to have you._ Crowley’s cheeks flushed as red as his hair. Aziraphale had leaned down to further appreciate the python and saw nothing. 

_He’s not my boyfriend,_ Crowley hissed under his breath, embarrassed. _Now shift!_ The snake stared at the demon defiantly. It slowly coiled up on itself, the message crystal clear: it was not going to move. Crowley bit back a scream. This was _not_ how the great snake escape was supposed to go. 

Aziraphale was still clueless as to what the frenzied hissing meant. He gingerly reached down to scoop up the angsty python. It took a bit of effort, but soon the snake was bundled into the angel’s arms. 

“Come on, you,” Aziraphale murmured. “Let’s get you back home.” The python shot Crowley a triumphant look. The demon’s mood soured considerably. 

“Bloody python,” he growled. Crowley trailed after the snake and the angel with his arms crossed. The absolute cheek! There was something else rising to the surface. Something that writhed and coiled in his belly. _Jealousy._ Crowley tried his best to ignore it. He was a demon. He was most certainly _not_ jealous of a common python. Aziraphale stroked the creature’s head absently as they approached the reptile house. Crowley bit back a blessing. It should be him. 

When they reached the python’s habitat Aziraphale guided it back into the water. He stepped back and miracled the glass back into place. The angel waved farewell to the snake which bobbed its head in thanks. Crowley glowered. 

“Are you coming, Crowley?” Aziraphale asked, his hand finding the demon’s. Crowley stared at their entwined fingers for a moment and then looked to the python. It flicked its tail as if to dismiss him. 

_It’sss time for me to sleep. The birdsss I ate need to digessst._ The jealousy evaporated as Crowley registered the comforting weight of Aziraphale’s hand. Crowley met Aziraphale’s innocent smile with one of his own. 

“Coming, angel. Shall we get some lunch? It’s been a busy morning.” 

“Lunch sounds lovely, my dear serpent.” 

The demon and the angel left the zoo hand-in-hand. They passed through the entrance. The crowd of guests, employees and news vans paid them no mind. They were focussed on the freak escape. 

Crowley’s chest was bursting with a cocktail of excitement and adoration. He was going for lunch with Aziraphale. Crowley ushered Aziraphale into his beloved Bently before looking back at the zoo with a boyish grin. Nothing in the world could ruin this for him. 

The car roared to life and the familiar strains of Queen came over the speakers. Crowley leapt into the driver’s seat and shot Aziraphale a smirk before speeding away from the zoo and the panic he had caused. He never once looked back. 


End file.
